Mortification to Self Actualization

 Definitely a misleading title, but mortify is a word to which I'm partial. When I was fifteen years younger, my present choices may have been mortifying. Now they are a manifestation of who I am; a person that may not love herself just yet, but who is comfortable with herself.

My first months at this job, I felt as if I was in junior high school again. It seemed that I could not commit to a character profile as I was not sure if I wanted to fit in or stand out. I'm certain that (as is the case with anything) I wanted a balance of the two, but I wasn't sure how to achieve it without sacrificing a bit of who I am. How could I be bold and confident when I knew nothing? How could I be polite and studious when I was constantly heckled? I vacillated between extremes. Reflecting upon every past feeling and behavior I can conjure up, I realize that as a human it is normal to have a many faceted personality with occasional (and often provoked) flares in emotion. The unusual bit was that the facets reflected traits outside of my control, as if my entire being was encapsulated in a cut gem, spinning on a whim. I responded to stimulus in ways that do not align with my morality or my tastes. I let myself be misguided by the expectations my journeymen projected onto me. 

It's been over six months now and I would hardly say I am stable in my character (both privately and professionally) but I have found a much healthier compromise. The compromise tempers my rash reactions to provocation, but allows expression in movement and music. My coworkers patiently endure my eclectic tunes from 1940's French ballads to experimental hip-hop/rap. They shake their heads silently as I sprint up and down stairs, jumping over debris like a child. They avert their eyes when I burst into songs from musical theater. Some have even learned to leave me to myself on days where I want to be silent. I love it. If I can always be this person, myself, at work... then this transition will be worth it.